Hey, everybody poops. What does your horse’s poop say about his personality? Maria Wachter imagines what your equine’s manure patterns might represent.

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Because they always ask.

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Alternately, how to tell if your horse actually hates you and is too polite to say it.

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A tongue-in-cheek guide to your local boarding barn.

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Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, partners … let’s be real, your true significant other is your horse.

Flickr/Steve Jurvetson/CC

Yes, we love our human companions who allow us to spend every waking moment with another living creature, and then tolerate us when we come home smelling like the farm. But there are also a few tongue-in-cheek reasons that the horse is truly a superior creature, no matter how much you love your SO.

• If your horse “drops” or does the “squat and squirt” in public, no one will care. The police will not be involved. Your kids will not be placed in foster care.
• If your horse isn’t the one for you, no one will bat an eye when you list him or her on Craigslist.
• The horse doesn’t protest getting dragged out during Sunday playoffs or the season finale of The Big Bang Theory.
• Your horse doesn’t care if it eats the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner … every day of the year.
• If, God forbid, your horse is a dangerous monster and you ship him to that one particular auction barn, people will eventually forgive you and move on (after you’re bashed over the internet for awhile).
• You can dress your horse up in any color or pattern with no protest. You can even go out in public totally matching.
• If it’s just not working out, there’s no alimony, child support or dividing of assets.
• Gelding is totally acceptable.
• You can have multiple horses and not feel unfaithful.
• You can always trade your horse for a younger, better-looking one.

Go riding!