Carley Sparks: If horses sold themselves

Between unemployment and a depressed economy, times are tight — even for equines. This horse is desperate for a gig.

Carley writes, “I found this horse on Craigslist. Looks like a sweet deal… even if he does swear too much.”

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$1000. Best. Horse. Ever.

Konichiwa compadres. Are you looking for the most kick-a$$ horse that ever lived? If so, look no further. You found him. I’m a 15-year-old professional packer with experience at bad-a$$ barns in the United States of AMERICA. That’s right! I graduated from Penn National racetrack, and moved to NYC at the tender age of five. After deciding that New York was a ragin’ stink hole, I moved back to Pennsylvania to cultivate more professional experience on the A circuit. Why? So I can pack your *ss around the show ring and not have to post sh*t like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I lost my job in the recession and I have no clue where to live. Honestly, I’ve got three weeks of board left, so I don’t give a rat’s behind if I have to sleep in your round pen.

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t touch any of your crap. If you leave a bucket of oats outside my stall at night, I’m just like, “Sweet Jesus, I better not mess with this crap, because it’s not mine.”

I’m never lame. I don’t eat much. I’m always ready to work. Heck. I’ll even do ALL THE WORK for you. That’s right! My dad is an international champion and taught me everything there is to know about show jumping. I’ll memorize the course, make ridiculously tight turns, and jump at least six inches higher than the jump. I’ll make you look like a f*$&ing superstar. EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS.

Don’t want to run at jumps? That’s FANTASTIC! I’ll canter on the slowest 12’ stride you ever imagined and find the distances for you. Imagine all the ribbons you’ll win!

Do you like trail rides? I LOVE TRAIL RIDES. I can ride the sh*t out of trails. Water, ditches, gates. Whatever. You want to go there. It’s my life’s mission to take you. Or we don’t have to go on a trail ride ever. It’s completely UP TO YOU!

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re a Thoroughbred. Are you batsh*t crazy?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not crazy. I’m not even judgmental. I LOVE PEOPLE. I want to help human beings for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion, sexual preference, or personal hygiene. Pretty cool right?

I own almost nothing! Last I checked, I had a halter and lead rope with my name on it. I have one pair of shoes. You can HAVE THEM. See?! I’m the most considerate horse you’ve ever met. I’m offering to give you things already!

Am I interested in your barn? You bet my nomadic a$$ I am! I only require a bit of grass, four fences, water and a tree to shelter me from the elements. Anything beyond that will be considered a bonus.

I’m taking being a show horse to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook you up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of Pony Club trophies and a list of the top 10 things I’d like to eat before I die. If you want a next-generation horse that consistently blows your mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’ll give you the ride of your life.

Carley Sparks provides mostly-true coverage of hunter/jumper sport in North America at getmyfix.org. Stop by! It’s fun there.