Eventing Nation: Top 10 things your horse would say if he could

It’s probably a good thing they CAN’T talk, actually. By Kate Samuels.

Top: “This lady …” Photo by Samantha Brooke Photography

From Kate:

Being that it’s now officially winter — I’ve broken out my poofy coat with fur-lined hood and started shopping for hand warmers — we here at EN finally have time to relax from the hectic show schedule and think about some of the smaller, more personal aspects of spending your life with horses. While not every horse can be a Winsome Andante or a La Biosthetique Sam FBW, they all share a lot of things in common. After one more year of having the chinchillas acquire detailed information on event horses, we’ve compiled a list of things we’re pretty sure your horse would say, if he had the chance.

Top Ten Things Your Horse Would Say If He Could

1. “Yeah, of course I’m acting like a pufferfish. How about we crank your belt in three holes at a time and then ask you to gallop over jumps?!”

2. “Wow, this new blanket is just great. There’s just one thing it needs to break it in and make me feel at home: MUD! Come back tomorrow to admire my work.”

3. “Sometimes I swear you’re really thick. When you whistle for me in the field and I stare at you blankly and turn around, it’s my not-so-subtle way of requesting a day off. I’m not deaf, you know.”

4. “I’ve been bathed twice, you’ve been bustling about the barn since 3 a.m., and these horrible, tight braids are making my neck feel weird. Of course I’m not getting on the trailer today.”

5. “I don’t know where you learned that plastic bags are harmless, but you’ve got some pretty poor survival skills. Did it just move?! ARGH RUN!”

6. “You want me to go out in this green field with a muzzle on?!?! Let’s take you to Chipotle and only let you eat through a straw.”

7. “I really honestly don’t understand what you’re doing right now combining your legs and your hands in that weird positioning. NO, doing it harder doesn’t help! That’s about as effective as screaming English louder at a foreigner who only speaks Mandarin Chinese.”

8. “Where is my breakfast? Where is my breakfast?! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD HERE IT COMES OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!”

9. “Thank you so much for all that hard work you just did grooming me! It totally reminded me that I could use a little extra scratching in my life, and I’m headed out to the field right now to do some more in the dirt and grass!”

10. “Ugh … it’s that day of the week when the lady stands in the middle of the arena and yells at you. You get all tense and start trying to make me do things that we don’t ever do any other day. Can we seriously just go on a hack?”