Taler’s Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions That Your Horse Won’t Keep

Using his owner Lauren Nethery as a translator, Taler the Horse exposes some of his pasturemates’ doomed-to-fail New Year’s resolutions.

Hello, hello Horse Nation!  My name is Taler (horse show announcers prefer to call me Incredibly, though, and of course I can understand why) and my slav…er, owner, Lauren, has asked that I share with you a bit of insight into what it is that my four-legged friends and I swear to do each and every New Year’s Day and almost invariably fail to follow through with.

As long as Lauren the Treat Dispenser keeps unwrapping those peppermints, I will dictate to you the top 10 tall tales that I have heard this holiday season (straight from the horse’s mouth, as they say) in hopes that you will at least have a good laugh at these egregious equine’s expense and perhaps even gain a little insight in the complex cognition that occurs between those delicate ears so unceremoniously swaddled in leather.

1. I, Flounder, do solemnly swear to refrain from flinging any children off of my neck when I simply must have a bite of grass regardless of the speed at which I am traveling when the power of Alfalfa compels me.  (Taler’s Commentary: Flounder, in all of his Haflinger glory, weighs at least 1200 pounds…normal until you consider that he’s 14 hands.  This one will last about three lessons.)

2. I, Bam Bam, hope that I will be able to keep my teeth to myself this year and not gnaw on the fingers of little children that want to coddle me because I am just the cutest mini foal ever. (I’m absolutely convinced that Bam Bam is rabid and most certainly will NOT keep his teeth and rabies to himself.  Best if I just continue to gallop sideways at Mach 1 during each encounter to convince him I’m like the gingerbread man and he can’t catch me, no way, no how.)

3. I, Lucky, swear I will atleast attempt to keep all four feet going in their appropriate directions for my new owner this season…especially in that rectangular sand box thingy with all of the horse eating Venus Hors…er, Fly Trap’s placed strategically around it. (Over fences, Lucky will be a star for his new pet…owner…whatever you wanna call her.  But he has yet to realize that the whole, silly Dressage thing is actually easier (at least at Prelim and below) than hefting all of one’s mass three feet or more into the air.  Maybe next year, Luck Lucks.)

4. I, Tapazoid, really will try really hard to stand quietly in the paddock while my halter is removed and to limit my under saddle tantrums to fifteen seconds at most. (Take my word on this one: if you bolt, you will endanger both your food supply and your tender schnoz.  Proceed with caution, buddy and maybe try to actually keep this resolution.)

5. I, Chloepotamus, promise, promise, promise to jump every single cross country fence that my rider points me at in 2013.  (Oh, sure you will, Chloe.  Until you get tired.  But a little reindeer told me that mom got a sparkly scepter (or ‘jumping bat’, whatever that is…I thought bats flew?) for Christmas.  You may be in for a hard-working 2013, my dear.)

6. I, Clover, swear on my dam’s grave that I will not tear down any fencing this year…not even so much as one single, solitary board!  (Like mother, like child.  I would be robbing the cradle if I flirted with Clover and she’s still so doe-eyed and innocent.  So this resolution may be safe for another year or two.  But in that time, I bet she puts on some solid mass and if she wants to leave…she will.)

7. I, Orbit, cross my heart and hope to colic if I do not refrain from touring the farm at will this year despite whatever creative Tough-Mudder-Type obstacles the humans have put in my way.  (While Orbit is in no way related to Clover, he may teach her the very rotten habit her owner has hoped beyond hope that she will avoid.  But he’s creaky and crotchety and ancient so he better mind his posts and boards or the humans may decide he’s gone senile and then he’ll be in BIG trouble.)

8. I, Jazz, kinda sorta maybe will try not to pull on any riders at all this year even if they pull on me.  (Yeah, and I’ll kinda sorta maybe try not to let Lauren carry me in the collected canter when she just volunteers to do all the work for me.  I had her trained so well until that Posner lady intervened.  But you might as well have a pipe dream, Jazz.)

9. I, Radiation, am absolutely resolved NOT to live up to my name this year and to be as normal as normal can be without even a single fit of unsoundness or psychosis to speak of.  (IF I decide to limit my chasing of Ray to a once-a-week kind of adventure, he may indeed get both sounder and saner.  Unlikely, though.  He likes it, I swear he does!)

10. I, Taler, am turning over a new leaf this year and will not take my aggressions out on the jolly fellow that captures my feet once a month or so even though the biting and kicking and yoga practice does not seem to compromise my food supply like it does when I beat up on Lauren or her ego.  (Until my food supply is compromised, this is never going to happen.  And Lauren is a total sucker