If Humans Were Horses

A thought experiment in 10 steps.

If humans were horses, this would be totally appropriate rather than wildly offensive. Flickr/.christoph.G./CC

1. We’d enjoy the same food day after day. No need to spend an exorbitant amount of money on each meal, since we’d enjoy eating the same thing three times a day for the rest of our life.

2. We’d run from whatever was scaring us. Bills? Doctors? Mean people? Scary movies? Peace! I’m out!

3. We’d squeal and strike at people we just met. “Hi, my name is Maria, want to be friends?” *squee, stomp, kick* “Just kidding, I want to hurt you.”

4. Uber drivers and taxi drivers will swerve off the road and refuse to drive, or drive in reverse if they feel like it. Especially if they’re feeling fresh or stubborn.

5. When you get nervous, or get in the car to go for a drive, the first thing you do is take a big crap without even caring.

6. We’d feel filthy after we showered and would need to clean up by rolling in the dirt.

7. Instead of cribbing, weaving and kicking, we’d call it drinking, smoking, and biting our nails. Wait, we already do these things.

8. We’d always pick paper over plastic bags at the grocery store. Plastic is bad for the environment AND scary!

9. Girls and boys both could pee gracefully standing up.

10. We could eat and drink in excess without the fear of throwing up. (I mean, colic is a whole other issue, but who’s counting?)

Go horses. Go riding.