Ask AI Equestrian Edition: Western Rider Roast

“Never mind that their ‘ranch-broke’ horse hasn’t seen a real cow in its life, and their biggest brush with the Old West is ordering extra queso at Chili’s.” We decided to see what AI would come up with if we asked it to roast western riders — it’s absolutely worth the read!

We’re back at it! Asking AI to create humorous equestrian-related content we call all laugh at. This time, we’ve decided to ask AI to roast* western riders.

*In case you didn’t know, roast means to “make fun of.”

Here’s what was AI generated…and it’s pretty funny! Feel free to laugh along with us.

Photo by Dan Shea Photography

All AI generated text replies are from ChatGPT.

Here’s the prompt: “Write a passage roasting western horseback riders.”

And… here’s what ChatGPT came up with:

“The Wild, Wild (Mostly Dramatic) World of Western Riders

Ah, Western riders — the self-proclaimed cowboys and cowgirls of the modern era. The legends in their own minds. These are the folks who will tell you, with great conviction, that their discipline is the most practical, the most rugged, the most authentic way to ride a horse. Never mind that their “ranch-broke” horse hasn’t seen a real cow in its life, and their biggest brush with the Old West is ordering extra queso at Chili’s.

Let’s start with the outfit. Western riders love to talk about how practical their gear is, and then they proceed to ride in boots so pointy they could double as weapons, jeans so tight they threaten circulation, and a belt buckle so big it could be used as a satellite dish. And the hat? The hat is sacred. Lose your hat, and it’s a sign of weakness. Touch another cowboy’s hat, and you might as well have challenged them to a duel at high noon.

And then there’s the saddle. Oh, the Western saddle — 40 pounds of leather, silver conchos, and a horn that serves no purpose unless you’re actually roping something (which, let’s be honest, most of them aren’t). But don’t worry, Western riders will assure you that it’s so much more comfortable than those “little English postage stamps.” Comfortable, sure — until you realize that if you ride long enough, that saddle will rub your inner thighs raw, and mounting it from the ground requires the athleticism of an Olympic pole vaulter.

Western riders love their horses, but they’re also connoisseurs of quirky names. You’ll rarely meet a Western horse named something elegant like “Sterling” or “Apollo.” Oh no. It’s always something like “Whiskey,” “Gunner,” or “Biscuit.” Bonus points if the name sounds like it belongs to either a 90-year-old ranch hand or a honky-tonk band. And if they have a registered name? Buckle up, because it’s going to be something like “Smokin’ Poco Doc Hickory Dun It.” Try saying that five times fast.

Now let’s talk about Western riders at a horse show. They’ll swagger in like they own the place, covered in so much rhinestone bling that they could cause temporary blindness in direct sunlight. The men act like they just rode in from the Wild West, despite the fact that they drove here in a $100,000 truck pulling a living-quarters trailer with more amenities than a five-star hotel. And the women? They’ll spend hours applying more makeup to their horse than to their own faces, making sure every hair is in place — until the horse inevitably rubs its face on the nearest hay bale five minutes before they enter the arena.

And then there’s the infamous Western pleasure class. Ever seen a horse move in slow motion? It’s as if they’re reenacting a scene from “The Matrix.” The lope is so slow that a tortoise could beat them in a race. But don’t you dare say anything, because apparently, this is correct. Ask a Western pleasure rider why their horse moves that way, and they’ll launch into a 30-minute lecture about collection, self-carriage, and “driving from behind,” while their horse is barely moving forward at all.

Of course, if they’re a rodeo rider, they’re an entirely different breed — part daredevil, part adrenaline junkie, and completely convinced that their horse is “just a little fresh” as it bucks, spins, and tries to eject them into orbit. They’ll tell you they “don’t need no fancy training,” and then proceed to slap on three different tie-downs, a twisted wire bit, and enough cowboy magic to make Houdini jealous.

But for all their quirks, Western riders are a passionate bunch. They love their horses, their sport, and their way of life. Sure, they might talk a big game, and they might be just a little dramatic about the cowboy lifestyle, but at the end of the day, they’re just like the rest of us—completely, hopelessly obsessed with horses. And if that isn’t something worth laughing about, I don’t know what is.

Photo by Roam Photography

We hope you laughed as much as we did. Don’t worry, English riders, you’re next!