HN’s Drinking Game Guide to New Netflix Movie ‘The Horse Dancer’

Biz Stamm tackles another “so bad it’s good” horse movie thanks to the powers of Netflix… and comes up with a way to ensure that everyone will have a good time.

The Horse Dancer, now streaming on Netflix, has been my latest foray into horsey cheese, and boy is it a doozy! Based on the title, I was expecting this movie to be based on the general population’s misunderstanding of dressage, but was relieved to learn that wasn’t the case. Instead it follows the life of Samantha Wick (Sophie Bolen), a talented gymnast who has recently been cut from the US team because she lacks “heart and passion.” Samantha confides in her grandmother that she is actually isn’t upset she was cut from team. She is relieved because she doesn’t love gymnastics, but you know what she might love?! Horses! So off to horse camp she goes to explore this possibility.

At camp Samantha is greeted by the overly plucky head counselor, Miss Jessica (Kristin Mellian). Miss Jessica is engaged to be married and planning on having her wedding at the camp farm, Black River Ranch. It is soon revealed that farm is facing financial difficulties meaning the end of the camp and goodbye to Miss Jessica’s wedding venue. Samantha and the girls at camp scramble to find a way to raise money to save the farm, learning important life lessons and frequently getting words of wisdom from the groundskeeper Jerry (OMG! Al from Home Improvement!) along the way. It is eventually brought to Samantha’s attention that she can combine her gymnastic skills and love for horses in the form of vaulting, and that as a famous gymnast, that could generate the attention and money needed to save the farm.

The Horse Dancer, now streaming on Netflix.

I’m going to be clear. This is not a good movie, but it is an entertaining one, and as a connoisseur of the best/worst movies out there, I know there is a surefire way to make these exercises in absurdity even more fun: a drinking game tailored specifically to the movie of interest. So now for your enjoyment I offer the drinking game companion to The Horse Dancer.

Every time Miss Jessica smiles with just a little too much enthusiasm, drink.

Screen grab from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1FYTcbWUYA&t=13s

Jessica smiles, a lot.  So much so that by the end of the movie I was convinced her smile had to be an attempt to cover up some dark secret.

Every time Al… eherm… I mean Jerry provides much needed words of wisdom, drink.

“Cheers to my awesome advice.”

Every time Samantha says or insinuates she doesn’t need/want friends…other than grandma, that is, drink.

Friends?

Every time there is a fake whinny, drink.

Still sober?  We can fix that.

Every time an original song plays, as featured in the trailer, finish your drink!

As with all movies the fall under the umbrella of extreme camp, they are best enjoyed with friends, so plan a viewing party, grab your favorite adult beverage, and be prepared to have a great time. I’m convinced that by following my instructions you’ll be saying this by the end of movie.

From what has come to be known as the Citizen Kane of bad movies (and a personal favorite) The Room

Go riding!