Hey Baby, What’s Your Sign? A Horsey Zodiac

Maria Wachter is back with another highly scientific, tongue-in-cheek report on how to interpret your horse’s personality based on his zodiac sign. Are you and your steed compatible?

Images public domain.

You could test-ride a potential horse, pay for an expensive pre-purchase exam and bring along a trusted friend and trainer … or you could just consult this totally-legitimate zodiac chart. Find your horse’s birthdate and figure out his sign!

(Equine zodiac sign descriptions are loosely inspired by human counterparts; just like how many humans are nothing like their prescribed sign, many horses may not fit these descriptions either.)

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 21

These horses are hardworking overachievers that are so reliable they will bore the hell out of you. They have no sense of humor and do not do well with owners that can’t operate on a strict schedule. They have the memory of an elephant and will never forgive you if you give them the wrong cue. If they were a human they would definitely be in the “math nerd” category and the type of person who considers it a sin to not put the grocery cart back after you’re done using it. They excel in judged classes rather than speed events. They are constantly winning blue ribbons and will routinely colic if they win a red ribbon.

Aquarius: Jan 22 – Feb 21

The Aquarius horse is an eccentric, highly unreliable mount. They love to snuggle and be shown affection but do not have the ability to bond to any one person. They have a certain wanderlust and are often found ambling around in someone else’s field. They have voracious appetites yet are hard keepers. They really like water and prefer daily baths and access to ponds. They also make really good swimmers and sun-bathers. They do not normally do well in the show ring, but really shine in YouTube videos.

Pisces: Feb 22 – Mar 21

These horses are extremely buddy sour and can’t function alone. Sometimes they will make up an imaginary friend to keep them company if they are stalled alone. They have a great sense of humor and like to cause mischief as long as it is entertaining to themselves. They have the uncanny ability to pick locks, open stall doors and unhinge the grain bin. Because they often get into things they shouldn’t get into, they have developed very strong stomachs that can handle excess amounts of grain and wooden barn walls. Even though Pisces horses love to have the company of other horses, they also love to kick and bite their pasturemates. These horses make great dude string mounts because they are really good at sticking with the herd and zoning out their riders.

Aries: Mar 22 – Apr 21

These horses are quite brave and quite stubborn. They hate to be restricted and do not do well in small stalls. Because of their “heroic” tendencies, numerous artists have depicted them riding off cliffs with their riders. They are the essence of what most campfire songs from the 1800s revolve around. They are all brawn and no brains. Very strong and very ambitious, the Aries typically has a rough gait and is not suited for people with bad backs. They tend to have a shorter life expectancy than most other horses but have very good feet and rarely get navicular.

Taurus: Apr 22 – May 21

The Taurus horse is a down-to-earth animal that prefers living in muddy conditions over a clean stall. They are messy and disorganized, but are very calm and do well with little kids. They love to roll in manure and always have a distinct odor about them. They are slow and lazy and tend to stumble a lot because they don’t pick up their feet when they walk — perhaps because they tend to have big, frying pan-shaped feet that are hard to fit in shoes and hoof boots. They always look like they just foundered, but surprisingly they never are lame. They tend to be a jack of all trades and master of none.

Gemini: May 22 – Jun 21

These horses legitimately have multiple personalities: some days they are calm and well broke; other days they act like a feral pony on the plains of Montana. They keep life interesting because each day is a new adventure for their human. They go through periods of soundness in between weeks of mysterious lameness. They make horrible husband horses (that is, unless you hate your husband).

Cancer: Jun 22 – Jul 21

These horses will grow on you: everyone loves them and everyone gets along with them. They tend not to be the prettiest of horses, but their demeanor makes everyone fall for them. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) they seem to live forever and you will be feeding and caring for a horse for 20+ years past when you retired him. They will be the most expensive pasture ornament you will ever own.

Leo: Jul 22 – Aug 21

Leo horses are very dramatic: they make a big deal about the littlest of things and expect a lot of praise. They need their riders to be their personal cheerleaders and will drop into a depression if you don’t acknowledge ever correct thing they do in life. They will be the first to meet you in the field and are extremely jealous if you show attention to another horse. They will not share the same bit or saddle as another horse. They tend to get distracted easily in public: they perform well at home but seem to always blow it on show day.

Virgo: Aug 22 – Sep 21

These horses are very clever to the point of being obnoxious. All Virgos know how to untie themselves from the hitching post. Even though they are very smart, they always spook at anything colored yellow. They tend to have nervous vices like cribbing, weaving and pawing. If you can channel their excessive energy, they do well in fast-paced and slightly dangerous events that require them to think and move constantly — such as team penning, polo or herding cats.

Libra: Sep 22 – Oct 21

Libras are very elegant and dainty. They need to be encased in bubble wrap if they are in a trailer or any other small, enclosed space. These horses love the halter ring and love to show off. All Libras have long flowing manes and tails and thrive on love. If you have a Libra mare, expect her to go into heat every time she’s around a horse of the opposite sex. Male Libras act like studs, even if they have been gelded. These horses do great as models for horse calendars and love to rear for the camera, especially when they’re not supposed to.

Scorpio: Oct 22 – Nov 21

These horses tend to be dominant “alphas”. They are strong and strong-willed. It has been said that most movie horses and war mounts have been Scorpios. They grow very thick coats in the winter and resemble little yaks. They would rather be alone than kept in a herd environment. They don’t get along with other horses, but love the company of humans. They will sneak into the house any chance they get.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21

Sagittarians are adventurers. They have an inquisitive nature and often get bit by things like the dog, feral cats or the neighbor’s children because they’re so nosey. Since they are always in places they don’t belong, you will get to know your vet on a first-name basis. They are very neat keepers and will only poop in one corner of their stall. They love to go for trailer rides and are unflappable on the trail. Normally called words like “bombproof” and “well broke”, these horses are great for first-time owners: not only will they teach you to be a better rider, they will also teach you how expensive it is to own a horse that likes to frequent the vet.

Go consult your astrologist … and then go riding!