2016 Best of HN #21: 11 Reasons Never to Be a Horse Trader

Straight from a former horse trader’s mouth.

Flickr/Tim McDonald/CC

Have you thought about quitting your day job to buy, train and sell horses? Here are ten good reasons to reconsider that career change.

1. Your weekends will be shot.

It seems like the majority of the horse-buying world’s population works Monday through Friday. That means the only time people can shop for a horse is on the weekends. No more weekend plans for you with your family and friends. Might as well get a restaurant job instead, because if you’re going to work on the weekend, at least you’ll have a steady source of income and be able to score free meals.

2. No matter how many good horses you sell, people will always remember you for that ONE bad horse.

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the name Bill Clinton? I can almost guarantee it’s not how he ran our country.

3. You will always end up with that one horse who stays skinny and lame no matter what you do.

No one wants a lame bag of bones — you won’t even be able to give him away. You will be stuck with him unless you decide to take said horse to an auction and then you will be forever marked as a meat seller.

4. Everyone already “knows” how to ride.

That is, until they get to your place and fall off. But in court they’ll cry to the judge that they were bucked off.

5. People love to buy for color.

Yes, you might have the perfect bay-colored gelding for their son, but they insist on the flashy paint stallion that is 15 years old and still won’t let the vet close enough to be gelded.

6. People will use you as an opportunity to get in a free ride.

Of course they’re interested in Pancho the Wonder Horse: it’s 70 degrees, sunny and a Saturday. You brought your whole family in shorts and flip flops? Maybe the horse trailer is hidden behind your mini van? After your whole family got in a ride, you’re going to go home and think it over and promise to call us right back? Thanks …

7. People will be forever tied to you.

You sell them one horse and all of a sudden every time the horse poops, pees, or farts you will know about it.

8. You will cringe every time the phone rings.

Who got bucked off now?

9. People will ask all the questions you’ve already answered explicitly in the ad.

“Offered for sale: 16h chestnut Thoroughbred gelding.” “How tall is he?”

10. People will be your best friend and recommend you to everyone.

Until the horse does something horse-like, and then the whole world will know how horrible a person you are because you won’t buy back the horse after two years and the two tricks it’s learned in the meantime: bucking and rearing.

11. Almost every horse you have for sale will stay sound and blemish free until the morning the potential buyer is out to look at them.

It’s a law of physics. What’s up must eventually go down. What’s sound must eventually go lame. What’s clean will definitely get dirty.

Are you a horse trader/trainer/buyer and seller? Let us know what you would add to the list.