2015 Best of HN #20: The Tongue-in-Cheek Pros & Cons Guide to Breeds

Because it’s no fun having so many breeds of horses if you can’t exploit their strengths and weaknesses every once in a while.

1. Arabians

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: Arabians are very elegant and known for their stamina; they are extremely smart and they excel in a variety of different disciplines.

Cons: They look uber-feminine, their heads resemble the shape of a dolphin, they are over-reactive and they snort their noses way too much. The Marlboro man wouldn’t be caught dead on an Arabian.

2. Thoroughbreds

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: Known for their athletic ability, Thoroughbreds excel at racing, show jumping and cross-country.

Cons: They are so tenderfooted you will have to carry them across the rocks; they’ve got jello for brains and sometimes you can’t even give them away.

3. Friesians

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: Tall, dark and handsome.

Cons: You don’t make enough money to own one.

4. Quarter Horses

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Pros: The Quarter horse comes in a variety of shapes and colors. They are the jack-of-all-trades in the horse world.

Cons: Everyone owns one. Owning a Quarter horse is like owning a pair of khakis. Boooring!

5. Mules

Photo: Maria Wachter

Pros: Mules are smart and surefooted, tend to be healthier than horses and live longer.

Cons: They will outsmart you and possibly kick your teeth out.

6. Clydesdales

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: They are big and powerful and can pull heavy loads.

Cons: Big horses=big poops. If they step on your foot, you’re screwed.

7. Akhal-tekes

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: Ooooh … shiny!

Cons: Do these animals even exist? If they do, for the love of God, give them a hamburger.

8. Ponies

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: They’re cute, hardy and are the perfect size for children or little people.

Cons: They are perfect for children if you hate your kid. They are sneaky and always plotting your demise.

9. Donkeys

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Pros: Donkeys make great livestock protectors; they are smart and can be trained to do almost everything a horse can do.

Cons: They are loud … super loud. Your neighbors will hate you more than they already probably do.

10. Paints

Photo: Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Pros: Paints are like Quarter horses: they also are the jack of all trades. They resemble the color of a cow.

Cons: Don’t be surprised if you catch Farmer John trying to milk your Paint. If you want to ride a cow, buy a cow.

Do you own a breed that’s not on the list? Give them the tongue-in-cheek pros and cons treatment in the comments section!