ISO: Bombproof Human For Trail Companion

We’ve all read the wanted ads … what happens if the shoe’s on the other hoof?

Virginia State Parks/Flickr/CC

Hi Friends!

I’m looking for my “Dream Human!” Let me tell you a little about myself, and then I’ll tell you what I’m looking for.

I’m a registered quarter horse, bay in color, 11 years old, gelding, and have 3 white socks. I’ve been working hard all my life and now that I have some free time, I would like to get back into trail riding. I only have time for one human, so I would like it to be darn near perfect.

What I’m looking for:

• I’m ideally looking for a male human, or female human past her reproductive years. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with all the hormonal mood swings. If you have anger issues, or cry at the drop of a hat, please keep looking. I no longer have my reproductive organs, so I can’t empathize with you.
• I’m a normal sized horse, 15.1 hands and approximately 1000 lbs. I would like to find a human that won’t crush me. The smaller the better, I’m not getting any younger and I don’t know how much more my back can handle the heavy loads.
• I need a sound human. I like to go out for hours at a time, and I need a human that can keep up with me.
• I need to find a human that has a steady job, and makes good money. I like to get my hooves done on a regular basis, plus, I prefer at least 3 meals a day — good, rich-quality feed. I can’t live on weeds and moldy hay; I’m not a goat, after all. I also like a nice massage with a registered massage therapist now and then.
• I am the type of horse that gets bored doing the same thing, day after day. This means my human must have a (reliable) truck and trailer (no straight load trailers!!) to take me out to new trails. I will ride alone, but I prefer to ride with groups, so please, future human of mine, have some nice friends that also like to trail ride.
• I prefer to ride bitless, but if you must ride with a bit, please have soft hands! My mouth is delicate, and I should not be a substitute for your Pilates workout.
• I am skilled in both English and western, and am looking for a human that can ride both disciplines. I don’t need someone flopping all over my back like a beached whale.
• I also am the type of horse that needs to be ridden on a regular basis. If you are the type of human that only rides when the sun in shining, there isn’t a cloud in the sky, and the wind isn’t blowing, please move on. If you’re the type of human that doesn’t like to groom and pamper me, move on! I’m a very loving creature and want to spend lots of bonding time. This is about me, after all.
• I don’t spook easily as long as the human isn’t a nervous wreck. Please, please, please, only brave, fearless humans apply!

I will be doing a house check, and taking references. Also, I would like a return policy in case my human doesn’t work out, or I get the human home, and the human has been totally misrepresented. I have a budget of $1500 for my perfect human and I am very patient to find the right one.

Call or text!

Happy Trails,

The Horse.