The Secret Mating Rituals of Dressage Riders

As revealed in a just-released music video by the British band Hugh. We break it down.

The song is called “I Can’t Figure You Out,” not to be confused with the 1990s Gin Blossom jam by the same name. It’s a nice-sounding, synth-y song written from the viewpoint of a woman who just can’t figure out some dude’s deal. In typical dressage fashion the equestrian-themed video drags on a bit (ba-dum ching!) so if you get bored scroll down and check out the highlights:

Horse Nation’s highly unofficial deconstruction:

So, the first 20-odd seconds of the video are devoted to this hot guy on an even hotter dressage horse wandering around a field, looking lonely.

But wait, there’s also a lady dressage rider in the field! He’s like “Hey girl!”

She averts her gaze. Man-candy on a good-looking dressage horse? Yeah, she thinks, I’ll give you three guesses as to which way this guy swings. I mean, just look at those suspenders. So metrosexual.

He stalks after her for a minute and then dressage lady takes off in a collected canter: Not gonna get my heart broken by another smokin’ hot gay dressage dude.

She stops and glances back. Wait, what if he IS straight? Meanwhile, he whips out a fancy dressage move. Is he flirting with me or just practicing his canter volte?

As per every other lyric in the song, she just can’t figure this guy out. Or his sexual orientation, at least. Gay or straight, gay or straight… Flustered, she challenges him to a dual of rein back.

It’s a draw. She checks out his full-seat breeches as he passes. Nice.

Now things are starting to get steamy. Bring on the synchronized tempi changes…

This is basically the dressage equivalent of holding hands, right?

Clean changes, good impulsion, connection over the topline… her defenses are weakening.

She caves: I think I’m in love. Or, At least I’d like to get into those breeches.

Bow chicka wow wow!

They circle closer. “Listen,” he says. “There’s something I need to tell you….”

What did he tell her? That he’s got a hot, blonde German boyfriend back at home named Matthäus — he’s schooling Intermediare and is a fabulous cook — or that he’s gotta run and teach a lesson but he’d love to take her on a date later tonight? Will they meet again, or was this just a one-ride stand?

The mating ritual ends with the two riders cantering away from one another. Open-ended videos are the worst.

OK, so that’s not representative of every dressage-y courtship but I bet some of you ladies out there can relate! Go Ride Dressage.