The 10 Best Fake Horse Racing Stories Ever Written

If there was a Pulitzer Prize for completely made-up journalism, The Onion would win it hands down. Here are a few of their greatest hits.

LOUISVILLE, KY—Shaken and trembling Kentucky Derby winner I’ll Have Another, who came from behind and outside on the final turn to win the Kentucky Derby in a breathtaking display of speed and panic, is reportedly hoping that nothing like the 1-1/4-mile race ever happens to him again. More…

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ELMONT, NY—Dark Star, the colt best known for his victory at the 1953 Kentucky Derby, made it to the winner’s circle once again Friday, when the 62-year-old earned his fifth victory in the Senior Belmont Stakes. More…

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BALTIMORE—By becoming the first filly to win the Preakness Stakes in 85 years, thoroughbred Rachel Alexandra inspired millions of women Saturday to believe that they too could one day win the legendary horse race. More…

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NEW YORK—Following a Tuesday morning workout in preparation for the upcoming Belmont Stakes, three-year-old thoroughbred Big Brown maintained his three-year media silence by trotting past reporters and ignoring questions regarding the health of his hoof, changes to his training regimen, and his reasons for firing his longtime agent James “Bus” Cook. More…

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COMPTON, CA—In an effort to develop a more diverse base of athletic talent, raise the sport’s profile in nontraditional areas, and enrich the lives of troubled youth, thoroughbred-racing organizations are funding a new program to train inner-city and delinquent horses. More…

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WEST GROVE, PA—Rumors and speculation that beloved racehorse Barbaro faked his own death last January in order to start a new life out of the public eye are beginning to surface among equine conspiracy theorists, who refuse to believe the horse would allow himself to be euthanized due to a broken right hind leg and laminitis of the left hoof. More…

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BROOKLYN, NY—Michael Timm, a towering figure in the cloistered world of professional boxing trainers, admitted Wednesday that, through a series of mistakes, he had trained up-and-coming bantamweight Royce Hamanolosa (14-1) to be a racehorse. More…

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HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a recent interview about his movie Loosing The Hopple, screenwriter Jason Chesley said that his story of a young harness racer’s relationship with his horse and their struggles to shift from a pacing to a trotting gait before eventually winning the storied Hambletonian is actually a metaphor for life. More…

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BEIJING—With just two hundredths of a second to spare, American charioteer Hank Fowler shocked those gathered in the Beijing Hippodrome Wednesday by breaking the four-horse chariot race world record of 5:34.57 set by Perseus in 492 B.C. More…

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PORTLAND, OR—In a move that added the world’s pre-eminent equine athlete to its stable of endorsers Tuesday, Nike signed Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes winner Big Brown to a seven-year, $80 million endorsement contract that included a $10 million signing bonus as well as the creation of a signature horseshoe, the Air Brown. More…

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Go Riding.